


Hold On

by athena_crikey



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: First Time, Goku's hungry, Hakkai/Gojyo is peripheral, M/M, Post-Reload (manga), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:40:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athena_crikey/pseuds/athena_crikey
Summary: Goku realises what's been missing in his relationship with Sanzo.





	Hold On

It starts out innocently enough, in a tiny inn near the back of beyond. 

“…The fuck is this?”

Goku presses forward to peek around Gojyo’s shoulder at the room beyond the doorway. It’s a pleasantly-lit room with subdued curtains, matching knit blankets folded over heavy woollen bedspreads on the two double beds, and a door leading to the bathroom.

It’s also the smallest double room he’s seen. There’s only two feet between the ends of the beds and the wall, less than a foot between the beds themselves. 

“Is this a joke? Is this room for midgets? There’s no way I’ll fit in here, not with my amazingly long legs.”

“Maa, maa. It’s a rural village with very few travellers. We’re lucky they had an inn at all.” Hakkai presses past Gojyo and lets Jeep flutter down onto the nearer of the two beds; the dragon makes a soft chirruping noise and circles a few times preparatory to lying down, stamping down the heavy duvet. The nights are cold this close to the mountains, and there’s no fireplace in the room. Goku is reminded of the inns that had surrounded Yakumo’s mountain, although that had been nearly a year ago. It’s hard to believe, sometimes, all the things that have happened in the interim. 

“The only one in luck here would be a tiny little monkey – hey, Goku – it’s perfect for you!” Gojyo turns with a huge smile plastered on his face and reaches out to ruffle Goku’s hair; he ducks away.

“Shut it, you letch. Hey Hakkai, I don’t have to share a bed with him, do I? I don’t wanna; he kicks me and then he pretends it’s ‘cause he was asleep.”

“Sorry, it’s just my _amazingly long legs_ –”

“Silence, or you sleep on the floor.” Sanzo stalks into the room and over to the window, which he glances out of momentarily before pulling the curtains shut. 

“What floor?” asks Gojyo, but quietly. 

“Lights out in ten minutes,” announces Sanzo, sitting down and taking off his boots. 

“Are you kidding? It’s nine o’clock. The friggin’ _birds_ haven’t even gone to sleep yet, tight-ass.” Gojyo takes a seat on the opposite bed and lights a cigarette, jacket slipping down over his arms. Beside him Jeep blinks, then closes his eyes. “Not you too.”

Hakkai gives the dragon a fond look. “Jeep is tired after a long day of driving. Please try not to wake him.” 

Gojyo gets back up, shrugging on his jacket. “Fine then, I’m going out. Hakkai, Goku, you coming?” 

Goku hesitates, caught between the possibility of more food and the knowledge that if he comes in late with Gojyo, Sanzo _will_ make the two of them share a bed. “Nah. I’m good.”

Gojyo gives him an incredulous look, but shrugs. “Your loss.” He looks to Hakkai, who shakes his head with a smile.

“An early night is nice once and a while.”

“Christ. Sanzo-sama’s lameness has spilt all over you. Have fun doing nothing.” He saunters out the door, closing it behind him. 

On the other side of the room, Sanzo’s already pulled off his robes, the sutra sitting nearly rolled up on his pillow. Hakkai takes a seat besides Jeep; the little dragon blinks up at him and mewls happily. Hakkai smiles at it and pets down its silvery mane. “It _is_ a little early, Sanzo,” he says, as Sanzo picks up his small case of toiletries and heads to the bathroom. 

Sanzo gives him a bland look. “You want to stay up? Go chaperone the shitty kappa. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow.”

Hakkai gives him a pleasant smile, which Goku knows speaks to inner irritation. Sanzo presumably knows it as well, but he just steps into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. From the other side of the door Goku hears the sound of water running, then Sanzo gargling. 

“Maa, Goku. It looks like we’re having an early night after all.”

“’S’alright. Like you said – it’s nice once in a while.”

  
***

Under Sanzo’s orders they roll into bed less than fifteen minutes later. The light-weight curtains let in the glow of the full moon, painting the room in hues of blue and grey.

Goku can hear the quiet, regular sounds of Hakkai breathing – still awake, likely waiting for Gojyo’s return before going to sleep. Sanzo’s breathing is slightly louder; he’s already asleep, out cold nearly the minute his head hit the pillow. 

Usually, Goku’s the same. He sleeps easily and heavily, although since they had started their travels he has learned to wake up at the slightest provocation – whether from enemy youkai, or Gojyo starting to draw on his face. But tonight he finds it hard to fall asleep.

They don’t usually share beds. When there aren’t enough, someone sleeps on the floor – usually, whoever loses the card draw (it’s never Hakkai). When he was younger in Chang’an, Goku had sometimes snuck into Sanzo’s bed after being awakened by nightmares. In those days dreams of Mt Gogyo, of an infinite, lonely darkness had been his constant companion. Sanzo hadn’t objected at first, although he started to as Goku grew older. That had changed once they started their quest; Sanzo had refused point blank to sleep in the same bed as another man – and Goku had somehow entered that category. 

Goku isn’t that curious to know why Sanzo relaxed his own rules. It’s cold outside and they spent the past five days camping, and beyond that there’s nowhere in the room to sleep but in the two beds. Even Sanzo gives in sometimes – although only when no one points out his capitulation. They all learned that lesson over the past two years; no one brought up his abrupt about-face tonight. 

Staring at the back of Sanzo’s head, which looks almost silver in the diffuse light, Goku thinks about the priest – about the priest, and himself. Gojyo he knows would be the first to say that Goku is and will always be Sanzo’s pet, a little monkey forever at Sanzo’s beck and call. But since crossing the mountains into _Tenjiku_ , things have felt different. 

Sanzo changed after his encounter with Ni – maybe even before that, during his time with Hazel and Gat. Now when Goku speaks he listens, not reluctantly or condescendingly, but with a measure of attention. He doesn’t scold as much, and Goku tries to earn it by whining less no matter how hungry he is. And, in the first week after the run-in with Ni when he was still healing and brittle as old earthenware, he let Goku look after him without half as much of his usual impatience. 

Goku thinks that Sanzo isn’t the only one who changed. His own white-hot, burning fear for Sanzo when the priest is injured or threatened has backed off to a steadier heat – still present, but controllable. Sanzo still rules his heart, but it’s less a child’s intense need for a parent than a softer, warmer feeling. He can’t quite place it. Being with Sanzo keeps him calm, but he feels incomplete now as he didn’t before, like something’s missing. 

He just doesn’t know what.

  
***

Goku falls asleep eventually and dreams warm, delicious dreams. Of pork-buns and barbeque duck, of crab and shrimp and scallops, of fried rice and noodles and sweet gelatinous desserts. Sanzo’s there too, smoking a cigarette and peering at the paper without his glasses – his nose has a cute pucker to it. Goku suddenly finds his hunger for food extending further; he leans over and licks at Sanzo’s cheek.

An instant later he’s kissing the priest with abandon, Sanzo hot and sultry under his touch. He tastes of salt – salted eel and tinned beef – and of some mix of spices that Goku can’t place but reminded him of rice pudding and ginger noodles. He falls into Sanzo’s lap, wrapping his arms around the priest, his heart full to bursting with joy and hunger. His prick is deliciously hard; it aches needily, rewarding him with pleasure when he grinds it against Sanzo’s hips. 

Something shifts and Goku wakes suddenly, reality flooding in with all the subtlety of a kick in the teeth. He’s not sitting on Sanzo’s lap, kissing him – he’s in bed with the priest, and they are definitely not kissing. 

He’s lying behind Sanzo pressed up against his back, one arm over Sanzo’s side. It’s cold in the room, which might explain their closeness, although he’s surprised Sanzo hasn’t firmly pushed him away. He’s also terribly, shamefully hard. 

Goku makes to pull away, withdrawing his arm from where it lies over Sanzo’s waist. Sanzo’s hand catches his wrist and holds it there, his fingers warm against Goku’s skin. 

Sanzo’s awake. He’s been awake this whole time. 

And he doesn’t want Goku to leave. 

Goku stops. Stops moving, stops breathing, stops _thinking_. All he knows is that Sanzo wants him here. Sanzo who for the past two years – and especially the past two months – has tried to treat him as his own man rather than an annoying pest. Sanzo, who has let him dress and undress him, clean his wounds and bandage his torn skin. 

Sanzo, who he’s in love with.

It all comes together in one sudden, furious spin – what he has, what he’s been missing, what he’s needed for so long. It’s not just Sanzo – it’s Sanzo’s love. 

Tentatively, soft as a butterfly landing on a flower, he presses his lips to Sanzo’s bare spine. 

For a moment, neither of them move. Then, slow as snow-melt trickling down a glacier, Sanzo begins stroking Goku’s wrist with his thumb. Slow, delicate movements over the soft underside of Goku’s wrist; Goku’s amazed at how intimate the feeling is. He presses closer, running kisses from Sanzo’s spine out over his shoulder, his nose close to Sanzo’s jaw. He wants to turn the priest towards him, wants to kiss him as he did in the dream, wants that and more, _right now_.

The door bangs open without warning and Gojyo stumbles in, drunk and feisty. He trips immediately over the edge of Hakkai’s bed and goes sprawling with a curse. “Goddamn piece of shit bed, what the hell…” 

Goku has already pushed himself far away from Sanzo when Gojyo turns the lights on and the priest sits up, all venom and fury. “You’re the piece of shit you bastard – why couldn’t you have had the sense to sleep out in the street with the rest of the garbage, you long-haired, seed-sowing, prick-rotting _shitty kappa?_ ” The words pour wrathfully from his mouth like lava from a volcano, hot and scorching.

“Maa, maa,” cuts in Hakkai, also sitting up now. “Gojyo, why don’t you go clean your teeth,” he says, an order no one mistakes for a request. “Sanzo, we can go back to sleep now.” 

“With _that_ lumbering around?” he asks, looking pointedly at the bathroom where Gojyo is now stumbling against the sink. 

“He’ll only be a minute,” promises Hakkai. 

“Next time he sleeps in the fucking stables, like the animal he is,” threatens Sanzo, lying down. He pointedly doesn’t look at Goku. Goku swallows, lies down as well and closes his eyes. 

Sleep is a long time coming.

  
***

At the next village they stop early to do some shopping before turning in. Sanzo leaves them en route to the grocery store – “Because apparently you morons can’t be trusted to buy cigarettes.”

“They were sold out in the last town!” replies Gojyo huffily. Sanzo gives him a dry look and heads off on his own to the tobacconist. Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai go to the market, stocking up on dried and canned food for the days when they have no choice but to camp out.

When they meet up again at the inn a half-hour later Sanzo is already checking them in. He’s managed to wrangle two rooms – it’s a slightly larger village than the last, and his status as Sanzo means the villagers are unwilling to deny his request. “Goku comes with me,” he says, as they head up the stairs. “It’s clear the kappa can’t be left unattended.” He looks pointedly at Hakkai. 

Gojyo makes a muffled protest, but no one else backs him up – Sanzo had been plainly furious last night, far more than usual. Only Goku knows why. 

They split up at the top of the stairs, Gojyo and Hakkai turning left, and Sanzo turning right. Goku follows him, waiting patiently for Sanzo to open the door and taking the opportunity to appreciate the full curve of his ass. 

He’s never dwelt on Sanzo’s beauty before now, because it had seemed far away, untouchable as the moon. With Sanzo now within reach, he’s been struck again and again over the past day by the priest’s beauty. His violet eyes and golden hair, his narrowly elegant face, his wide shoulders and slim hips. And, less obvious in his robes but just as attractive, his well-built form. Sanzo will never have Gat’s amazingly muscled body, but he’s fit and toned. Body, mind, sutra, gun: everything Sanzo possesses is a weapon. Goku thinks it’s hot as hell. 

Sanzo opens the door and Goku follows him in, waiting for the sound of the latch catching. Then he’s pressing up hungrily against Sanzo, burying his face in the priest’s neck and pressing his lips to Sanzo’s warm flesh. He tastes just as good as he had in Goku’s dream – better, even. Goku’s never eaten something with such a subtle taste, of sweat and smoke and spice all rolled together into one, of _Sanzo_. 

“You _are_ hungry, aren’t you, monkey?”

“’M not a monkey,” mutters Goku, looking up even as his hands pull Sanzo’s robes from his shoulders and drop the bamboo breast-plate onto the ground with a wooden rattle. Sanzo’s eyebrows quirk. 

“No? Then what?” he drawls, making Goku want to kiss his lazy mouth. 

“Goku,” says Goku, stubbornly. “’M not a chimp, or a monkey, or a boy…”

“If I thought otherwise, we wouldn’t be here right now,” replies Sanzo. Then, as if bestowing a gift, “Goku.”

Goku smiles, running his hands down Sanzo’s sides against the black cloth of his undershirt to tuck them in under it, his palms pressed naked against Sanzo’s flank. “Good. ‘Cause there’s nowhere else I wanna be.”

He pushes his hands further beneath Sanzo’s top, fingers stroking up over firm abs to his taut nipples. Sanzo shivers; Goku grins and bends to lick at them. When he looks up again, Sanzo’s head is thrown back, mouth half-open. Goku’s never seen him look so pleased. He wants to see more. 

With sure hands, he unbuckles Sanzo’s belt and slides the tips of his fingers over the waistband. Sanzo’s watching him now with dark eyes, violet just a tiny band around black pupils. Goku thumbs the button open, then pushes the zipper down and gets to his knees. Sanzo, he knows from his sick-nursing, goes commando. 

He’s never done this before, but he saw Hakkai and Gojyo in the bathhouse once when they’d thought him in bed; saw Gojyo on his knees and Hakkai braced against the wall like a tree against a storm, his shoulders trembling. It can’t be that hard. 

Sanzo’s prick is already half-erect, flushed and thick. Goku licks his lips, eager to taste, and leans in. 

Sanzo makes an abrupt grunt as Goku takes him in his mouth, licking over the head of his prick and lapping up the rich, tangy flavour. Sanzo’s hands finger through his hair and he leans in closer, opening his mouth wide to take in as much of Sanzo’s length as he can, licking along the underside. He tastes richer than king crab, saltier than salted sweetfish, sweeter than gelidium jelly with honey. 

Sanzo’s breathing hard now, and when he opens his eyes to look up Goku sees that his pale face is flushed, his eyes shuttered. His fingers are tightening and loosening spasmodically in Goku’s hair, his breath coming in hitches. Goku wonders how it feels, wonders if Sanzo would ever do this for him – it’s hard to imagine Sanzo on his knees in front of him, but maybe if he was extra good…

“Enough,” says Sanzo roughly a moment later, pushing him away. Goku sits back on his heels with a frown. 

“Sanzo?”

“Did you want to miss the main event? You _do_ know where this is going?” 

He knows, more or less. Hakkai gave him The Talk, supplemented by Gojyo until the cockroach was thrown out, some years ago. Two men, it seemed, could be just as intimate as a man and a woman provided they prepared adequately. There’s no one he trusts more than Sanzo, no one he would want to be with other than him. But he hasn’t done any preparation, and being told in a classroom about the mechanics of sex by a preschool teacher and a letch is a lot different than actually doing it. 

“I know,” he says, trying to sound confident. “You’re gonna fuck me.”

Sanzo sighs. Goku has the distinct impression he’s longing for a cig. “Fucking may come later. For now, sex will do.”

Goku’s face crinkles up in puzzlement. “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is that we’re not a pair of animals out in the woods.” He reaches down and picks up his robe; from the sleeve, he produces a small vial. “Here. Rub some of that on.” He hands it over to Goku and proceeds to step out of his jeans. Walking over to the bed he pulls off his black top, leaving him totally naked. 

Goku, still fully dressed and suddenly awkward about it, looks down at the glass vial in his hand. “On what?” he asks, kicking off his shoes and shimmying out of his own jeans. Kissing Sanzo has made him hard, a sweet, prickling ardour in his gut. He presses his palm thoughtlessly against his crotch, seeking to appease the yearning there.

“On your prick, Goku,” says Sanzo, as though he’s being exceptionally slow. 

“On my… but you…?” He frowns in confusion. Sanzo, also frowning now, although in irritation, reaches out and snatches the vial from him. He unstoppers it, pours some of the thick, clear liquid inside on his fingers and as Goku watches, reaches back behind himself to – to …

Goku suddenly feels his mouth watering. The sight of Sanzo slicking his fingers inside himself sends a sudden pulse of blood straight to his cock. The soft longing in his gut suddenly twists, tightening, into an almost-painful need. He wants Sanzo. _Needs_ Sanzo. 

“Can I do that?” he asks, raising a knee to rest on the bed beside Sanzo. Sanzo gives him an appraising glance, then nods. He takes the vial from Sanzo and pours some liquid out onto his fingers – it’s room-temperature, and has a vaguely fruity smell. It’s thick but unbelievably slick; his fingers skid against each other as he tries to rub them. 

Kneeling beside Sanzo with his free hand on the priest’s back, he slides his forefinger inside Sanzo. He’s hot and moist, an amazing feeling. “Hurry the hell up,” barks Sanzo so he starts stroking his finger in and out. The muscle is tight, but it’s loosening with the action of his finger, and after a minute he slides a second in; Sanzo takes a sudden breath. 

“Gojyo was right,” Goku says suddenly, and feels Sanzo freeze beneath him. “You _are_ a tight-ass, Sanzo!”

“Finish up already, or I’ll do it for you,” threatens Sanzo. His teeth clatter shut when Goku inserts a third finger, pressing a kiss to Sanzo’s shoulder-blade. 

“Almost done,” he promises. Three fingers, surely, is enough. After another minute he slips his fingers out and strokes himself with the remaining liquid; his cock is begging for more. “Ready?”

“Get a move on,” pants Sanzo. Goku uses his hand to line his cock up with the pucker of Sanzo’s ass, and pushes in. 

He’s never felt anything like it. It’s so good he nearly bites his tongue, so good he can hardly keep from crying out. The feeling of Sanzo’s tightness all around him, of Sanzo’s heat all around him, enveloping him… he can’t believe he’s lived his whole life without this. He presses his hips forward until he’s fully buried in Sanzo. “Sanzo,” he whispers, unable to think of anything else to say. 

“Don’t you fucking dare stop there, Goku.”

He snaps his hips forward, then back, then forward again; Sanzo’s breath catches and so does his. He’s making them both feel _so good_ it’s incredible – unbelievable. He starts stroking back and forth in earnest, rutting up into Sanzo intensely. Sanzo’s breathes are rough and uneven, his body shaking on the mattress as Goku pounds into him. “Sanzo… _Sanzo!_ ” He kisses Sanzo’s back, his shoulder, his neck, then starts sucking to leave a mark. Sanzo snorts but doesn’t stop him, and he proudly leaves a wide, round bruise where Sanzo’s neck meets his shoulder. 

He’s getting close now – it’s only been a couple of minutes, maybe not enough time for Sanzo, but he doesn’t think he can hold it back much longer. He reaches down and finds Sanzo’s prick, starts stroking it in time with the canting of his hips. Sanzo’s panting harshly, his fingers fisted in the bedspread. He comes first with a kind of breathless gasp; Goku can feel his orgasm, feel the way his body tenses up around him. It’s amazing, so slick and tight – he wants this moment to last forever. Then, a moment later, he’s coming undone, spilling himself into Sanzo in a couple of long thrusts. 

It’s only now that he realises how hot and sweaty he is; he’s dripping down onto Sanzo’s back, his skin feverish in the cold room. As soon as he slides out and flops down beside Sanzo he can feel himself beginning to cool down, his sweat beginning to dry uncomfortably. 

“Sanzo, that was incredible.”

“Hn,” replies Sanzo. He sits up and snags his robes, producing his cigarette pack and a lighter. He lights one as he lies back, his head beside Goku’s. “You didn’t do so badly,” he allows. 

“You were amazing,” says Goku. He sees Sanzo’s lips twitch upwards. “But I’m getting real cold now. Can we go have a shower?”

“Not a bad idea. Go start it. Call me when the water’s hot.”

Goku hops up. “Got it!”

  
***

After the shower – and some heavy petting – they lie together under the blankets. Goku thinks a second round is probably not off the table, but at the moment there’s something that’s started to nag at him. A little uncertainty in the back of his mind, wearing him down as a stream eventually wears down rock.

“Sanzo?”

Sanzo opens his eyes, but doesn’t otherwise reply. 

“This… you and me, I mean… it’s not just for tonight, is it? I mean…”

“Say it, Goku.”

Goku swallows. “I’ve wanted you for a long time, Sanzo. More than I know what to do with. I don’t want to let you go. An’ I know you don’t believe in holding onto things, but some things are important. Are _real_ important, you know?”

Sanzo closes his eyes; Goku lies with his heart hammering in his chest. 

After a moment, Sanzo’s hand comes up to rest on Goku’s head, warm and reassuring. “I know,” he says. “For now, on this quest, all we can hold onto is ourselves. But when it’s over – if and when we return to Chang’an – then perhaps I could permit myself to hold onto someone else.”

Goku nods. “I can wait, Sanzo.” After all, he’s waited 500 years. 

Sanzo’s fingers stroke down through his hair to ghost over his face, coming to stop cupped against his cheek. “Then it’s up to you to not let go.”

END

**Author's Note:**

> Seed-sower and prick-rotting kappa are insults taken from the Saiyuki Reload Vocal Album _Yamanote Sen Game_ track.


End file.
